Education In Social Virtues

By Fr. Conor Donnelly

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In the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit. Amen.

My Lord and my God, I firmly believe that you are here, that you see me, that you hear me. I adore you with profound reverence. I ask your pardon for my sins, and grace to make this time of prayer fruitful. My Immaculate Mother, St. Joseph, my father and lord, my guardian angel, intercede for me.

We’re told in the Book of Sirach, "whoever spoils their child will bind up their wounds and will suffer heartache at every cry" (Sir. 30:7). "An unspoken horse turns out stubborn, and unchecked child turns out headstrong" (Sir. 30:8).

This topic can be very relevant for all of us who have some role in the education of children. Even if we have grown-up children, we may have grandchildren. Or we may be thinking of children that may come in the future. Or we can also transmit these ideas to friends to help them to grow in this particular virtue.

The Second Vatican Council in Gaudium et Spes (cf. no. 47-52) said very clearly that the home is the first school of Christian life, a school for human enrichment. Church is often called the family, the domestic church. And so we find the church is given great importance to the educator role of the family. It's in the early years in family life that children learn great things. Very often the most important things that have to stand to them in the course of their life. They learn how to be human beings. They learn how to love. They learn how to put virtue into practice. Hopefully, they also learn endurance, the joy of work, fraternity, generosity, also forgiveness.

And hopefully, they learn to grow in their Christian life, to learn what prayer is. Initially vocal prayer, and hopefully some mental prayer. And the offering up of their life to God. The Catechism (no. 2207) has also said very clearly that the family is the original cell of social life. And so family life is an initiation into life in society. It’s in the family we learn how to interact with other human beings.

Pope Francis [during General Audience, 18 February 2015] said the bond of brotherhood that is formed in the family between children, happens in a climate of education of openness to others. It is the great school of freedom and peace. Human coexistence, how one must coexist in society, is learned in the family among brothers and sisters. Possibly, we're not always aware of it, but it is in fact the family that introduces brotherhood into the world. And beginning from this first experience of brotherhood, nourished by affections and family education, the style of brotherhood is radiated as a promise over the whole of society and its relations between peoples.

Pope Francis says brotherhood shines in a family in a special way when we see the solicitude, the patience, the affection with which the weaker little brother or sister, the sick, or bearers of handicaps is surrounded. When there are many children in the family—as Pope Francis said today, "I greeted a family that has nine"—the greatest help to the father, to the mother, is to take care of the little ones. And this work of help between brothers is something beautiful.

And so in the family, the child learns concern for others, generosity to help others, generosity to take care of the sick. It's very good that when children are old enough, that they are assigned tasks that involve responsibility for the common good of the family and of the house. Little children love to serve. They love to be useful. And so it's very good for parents to give them ways in which they can serve and help them to feel that responsibility.

It is in the family that they learn kindness and respect and having no quarrels and knowing how to give in. And so we can ask our lady and St. Joseph that they may teach us how to educate children in the social virtues: in loyalty, in human tone, in good manners. Ultimately, good manners is just charity. And some professional people have said that the basis of all professionalism is good manners.

And parents have to, first and foremost, be the ones to live out these virtues themselves. Stenson, an American educationalist, says parents have to try and live like great human beings so that children grow up seeing and knowing what it means to be a great human being. And hopefully, they yearn to imitate that example of the parents. And so every little virtue the parents try to practice and transmit them to their children with their own example is a great investment.

It's from the parents that children have to learn charity, kindness, and patience, and order, and hard work, and temperance, and many other virtues. And so it's good for the father or the mother to ask themselves, "Well, do I set good example? Am I cheerful when I come home from work in the evening? Do I interact with my children? Do I spend time with them?"

St. Josemaria used to say that parents have to try and be the best friends of their children (Conversations, no. 100). That can be an easy thing to say, but not such an easy thing to achieve. And to be a good friend of one's child means spending time with them, talking to them, listening to them, knowing what their joys and ideals and aspirations are. Finding out what's going on in their mind, in their heart.

For children who go to day schools, it can be very good for parents to check their homework every night. It may be very simple things, but that homework is the work of the child. And that the parent gives attention and importance to that work can go a long way in building up the personality of that human being. It's very good for parents to bring their children to their prayer, talk to God about each one. How are they doing in this particular moment? What are their challenges? Are they really putting virtue into practice in concrete ways?

And so children have to learn to be punctual for meals or other family gatherings. Certain family gatherings each week have to be important. And there may be certain feast days in the year—Christmas, Easter, birthdays—that are special family occasions when Mum and Dad have to be present and insist that all the children are present also.

We need to teach children how to honor their word. If I say something, I will do it. I can be relied upon. They can be complimented if they do some job for other people in the house. And if they neglect to do their chores, their chores, well, they should be made to apologize and give some reason why they didn't do it, some accountability.

In his preaching, Our Lord makes use of comparisons, and he shows clearly the appreciation he has for the virtue of loyalty. He praises the good and faithful servant who makes a profit with their master's money, with their talents. St. Paul says keep encouraging one another. Every child needs encouragement to do their work well, to fulfill their jobs, to stretch themselves in order to grow in different virtues.

Our Lord compliments the loyal administrator who prudently distributes his work among the servants. He says "no one who puts his hand to the plough and looks back is fit for the kingdom of God" (Luke 9:62). In that way, he encourages perseverance, fortitude, hanging in there at difficult moments.

About marriage, he said, "Whatever God has joined together, let no one separate. Whoever divorces his wife and marries another commits adultery. And if she divorces her husband and marries another, she commits adultery" (Mark 10:9, 11–12). And so Our Lord came into the world to manifest divine fidelity by bringing to fulfillment the promises that God has made to mankind. And he did this without being deterred by the disloyalty of men or the difficult circumstances he encountered.

People have to be taught to live by their word, to be honest. If people are honest and faithful, well then they can be trusted. And in the family, people have to be able to trust each other. That trust builds loyalty. And loyalty is a great social good. It's a virtue that makes a man ready to keep his promises. And so it's part of justice. In a certain sense, it's its basis.

Cicero, ancient Latin writer, says the foundation of justice is fidelity. That is constancy and truth in what one says and agrees on. And so parents have to compliment and praise loyalty and honesty, those virtues that are at the basis of so many good things.

It's good for parents to think occasionally about how to foster certain virtues. I knew a man many years ago who was a very successful professional man. He had eight children. And when he came in contact with the activities of Opus Dei, he said, "I underwent a major conversion." He said, "I always thought that my work was the most important thing in my life, but from the formation I received in Opus Dei, I realized that my family was more important."

And so this man had a very successful office work, and he decided then to transmit the sort of approach he had in his office to his family. So he got a filing cabinet and he opened a file on each one of his children. And he had weekly sessions with his wife to plan activities and formation in virtue. And he had a reporting session with each one of the children, a couple of minutes every week, hear what's going on in their school, in their sports, to get close to them. And so he had monthly goals and weekly goals and daily goals, and his whole family life took on a whole new appearance and a whole new fruitfulness.

Loyalty denotes the interior quality of the will by which a person, in spite of difficulties or sacrifices that are required, remains faithful to their convictions or duties, and also to the persons and institutions that put their trust in him. And so all noble human conduct is imbued with loyalty. And so the Book of Proverbs says that the faithful man will be much praised. It also says "lying lips are an abomination to the Lord, but those who act faithfully, they are his delight" (Prov. 12:22).

Divine Wisdom eulogizes Abraham. Says "he kept the law of the Most High, and when he was tested, he was found faithful. Therefore the Lord assured him by an oath that the nations would be blessed through his posterity, that he would multiply him like the dust of the earth and exalt his posterity like the stars" (Sir. 44:20–21).

Without an atmosphere of loyalty, human association would degenerate into mere coexistence with its inseparable evils of insecurity and distrust. And so by faithfully fulfilling his duties and commitments, the human person becomes capable of overcoming the individualism to which we are all inclined, and generously opens himself to others. A loyal person doesn't think about the advantage or the disadvantage which his duties and obligations entail. He thinks rather about others who have put their trust in him. And so in this way, he is spiritually enriched.

It may be that around us in society, we see people are losing a sense of loyalty. Lying may have become part and parcel of interpersonal relations. People can think that in certain professions, such as politics, journalism, or business, that loyalty is a thing of the past, or that it's all but impossible if one is to get ahead.

St. Josemaria says in The Furrow (no. 743), "I can see no Christian fraternity in a friend who warns you, 'I've been told some terrible things about you; you shouldn't trust some of your friends.' I think it's not Christian," he says, "because that friend has not taken the honest approach of silencing the slanderer first and then telling you their name out of loyalty. If that person does not have the strength of character to demand such behavior of himself, he'll end up making you live on your own, driving you to distrust everyone and to be uncharitable towards everyone."

And so there should be no gossip. We should practice loyalty face to face, to correct people face to face without humiliating them. Teaching people fraternal correction. And so loyalty is closely related to freedom and responsibility. St. Josemaria says God has wanted to take the risk of our freedom. We should loyally respond to that love by using our freedom uprightly in every circumstance in order to love and serve him as his children. Behaving in accordance with the dignity we have received. For the spirit of adoption, we're told by St. Paul, is the spirit of freedom.

So we should try to educate children in freedom and responsibility. This means giving them freedom, but teaching them to administer it and to render an account of their actions and omissions.

The Gospel has handed down to us a passage that describes two opposing attitudes: that of a respectable person of the time, Simon the Pharisee, and that of a sinful woman. "Do you see this woman?" Our Lord said. "I entered your house, you gave me no water for my feet, but she has wet my feet with her tears and wiped them with her hair. You gave me no kiss, but from the time I came in, she has not ceased to kiss my feet. You did not anoint my head with oil, but she has anointed my feet" (Luke 7:44–46).

Jesus, who was well brought up by Our Lady and St. Joseph, he missed the common details of simple details of common courtesy. At first sight, these might seem to be insignificant details, but Jesus, perfect God and perfect man, he notices their absence. St. Josemaria, who deeply contemplated the reality of the incarnation of the Son of God, says that Jesus comes to save, not to destroy nature. It is from him that we learn that it's un-Christian to treat our fellow men badly, for they are creatures of God made also to his image and likeness.

And so the virtues also possess a social dimension. Virtues are not for showing off or for promoting one's ego, but in the end, they are for others. We could ask ourselves, why is it that we feel at ease with certain people and perhaps less so with others? In all likelihood, it may be that that person listens to us, seems to understand us. That he or she is not in a hurry but gives serenity. They're not overbearing, but they suggest and show respect for us. They're discreet and don't ask things just out of curiosity.

And so someone who knows how to get along with others, to share, to offer, to welcome, to spread peace, is on the way to becoming truly virtuous. Our Lord teaches us that when certain conditions are lacking, courteous social interaction deteriorates. We have to know how to say please and thank you in all situations. To say I'm sorry, I was wrong. One educator says this is the basis of all social living.

And so being courteous with others can often be the best form of introduction. What we could call the virtues of social interaction are a prerequisite and setting for the jewel of charity. And so good manners is part of charity. Being polite provides something essential for living in society, teaching us to be human and civil with others. And so courtesy, affability, politeness, are the little sisters of other and greater virtues. And their particular feature lies in the fact that without them, our interactions with others would become unpleasant. And of course, a discourteous person could hardly live up to the requirements of charity.

And so we have to be careful with language, not use any bad words. Know how to say that please and thank you, I’m sorry, excuse me. We need to take care of material order and tidiness in the things that we use, but also about our person, our urbanity. We've all heard such expressions that comment that by their bearing you can see that they're from a good family, or what a well-brought-up child that is.

And so the family offers many opportunities to stress certain points of politeness. Family meals are such occasions. "I'd be grateful if you could go and get the salt." "If you could go and get the salt." Have you washed your hands before sitting down? Sit up straight or don't cross your legs when you eat. Can you help your brother or sister to set the table? Bread is not thrown away. Hold your fork properly. Cut the meat into small pieces and don't talk with your mouth full. You need not only to eat with your stomach but also with your head. To eat everything in front of you whether you like it or not. Your soup should be raised to your mouth, not the mouth lowered to the bowl. Don't make noise when you drink. Don't drink with your elbows on the table.

So some of these indications can change according to place, but most of them are universal. They might seem a bit negative—there may be no need to harp on all of them all the time—but when seen as affirmations, they reflect the consideration that we should show others. They are little things that show politeness, courtesy, and hygiene. Trying to make the meal pleasant for other people.

And so in the family, we learn to look after others with small points of refinement. We don't turn up badly dressed for meals or eat by gulping down our food. We pass things to people around us. We try to be attentive to what other people need. We serve other people before serving ourselves. And a thank you is received in turn because gratitude fosters concord, and concord fosters cheerfulness and a smile.

We maintain a good tone by taking care of our appearance, coming to the table with our hair combed. Around the table and in family gatherings, children are prepared to undertake life in society. Knowing when to intervene in a conversation or to wait one's turn. Learning how to dress with decorum. All these things are aspects of living alongside others.

So it's so important to learn how to dress in keeping with the occasion. Looking nice is not so much a matter of wearing expensive clothes or brands as wearing clothes that are clean and well pressed. And children learn this at home, seeing how their parents act at all times with elegance and discretion. It's not the same thing to attend a formal dinner and to be with friends or the intimacy of the family. It's not the same thing to saunter in any way along the corridors of the house or to put on a bathrobe as soon as one gets out of bed. And so education in good manners is a very good thing.

Our faith tells us that parents have a mission to educate. The Second Vatican Council in Lumen Gentium says parents by word and example are the first heralds of the faith with regard to their children. In the case of the Holy Family, this was achieved in a singular manner. Our Lord learned the meaning of things around him from his parents. They would devoutly have recited the traditional prayers which were said in every Jewish home. In that house, everything that referred particularly to God had a new meaning and content. Keenly and fervently, and with a great spirit of recollection, Jesus would have repeated the verses of Scripture which all Hebrew children had to learn. He would often recite those prayers learned from his parents' lips.

And so when parents contemplate these scenes, they should feel keenly considered the words of Pope Paul VI which were recalled by Pope John Paul II when he said: Do you teach your children the Christian prayers? Do you prepare them in conjunction with the priests for the sacraments that they receive when they're young—confession, communion, confirmation? Do you encourage them when they're sick to think of Christ's suffering, to offer things up, to invoke the help of Our Lady and the saints? Do they see you praying the rosary? Do you pray with your children, with the whole domestic family, at least sometimes? Your example of honesty in thought and action, joined to some common prayer, is a lesson for life and an act of worship of singular value. In this way, we bring peace to our homes. In this way, said John Paul II, we build up the church.

And St. Josemaria said that if Christian homes imitate that home formed by the Holy Family of Nazareth, they will be bright and cheerful homes. Because each member of the family will struggle first of all to get to know God and with a spirit of sacrifice, will endeavor to make life more pleasant for those around him. And so the family is a school of virtues and the ordinary place for us to find God (Marriage: A Christian Vocation no. 22) .

Husbands and wives will achieve this aim by exercising the virtues of faith and hope, facing serenely all the great and small problems which confront any family, and will be persevering in the love and enthusiasm with which they fulfill their duties. They will learn to smile and forget about themselves in order to pay attention to others. Husband and wife will listen to each other and their children, showing them them that they are really loved and understood. They'll forget the unimportant little frictions that selfishness can magnify out of all proportion. They do lovingly all the small acts of service that make up their daily life together.

And so, St. Josemaria said, the aim is this: to sanctify family life while at the same time creating a true family atmosphere (ibid). Many Christian virtues are necessary in order to sanctify each day of one's life. First the theological virtues, and then all the others: prudence, loyalty, sincerity, humility, industriousness, cheerfulness. These virtues will strengthen the unity that the Church teaches us to pray for.

And so we can ask Our Lady and St. Joseph to help us to grow in these virtues, to help our families to be truly domestic churches, focal points of education in virtues in family life, to lead us along the pathway of our Christian vocation.

I thank you, my God, for the good resolutions, affections, and inspirations that you have communicated to me during this meditation. I ask your help to put them into practice. My Immaculate Mother, St. Joseph, my father and lord, my guardian angel, intercede for me.

EW