Charity and the Tongue

By Fr. Conor Donnelly

(Proofread)

In the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit. Amen.

My Lord and my God, I firmly believe that you are here, that you see me, that you hear me. I adore you with profound reverence. I ask your pardon for my sins and grace to make this time of prayer fruitful. My Immaculate Mother, Saint Joseph, my father and lord, my guardian angel, intercede for me.

“Only a few of you, my brothers,” we are told in St. James, “should be teachers, bearing in mind that we shall receive a stricter judgment. For we all trip up in many ways. Someone who does not trip up in speech has reached perfection and is able to keep the whole body on a tight rein” (James 3:1-2).

St. James focuses particularly on the gift of speech.

It says that someone who has managed to control their speech in some way or to train their speech has reached a type of perfection. It's interesting how he ties up those two things.

“Once we put a bit in the horse's mouth,” he says, “to make it do what we want, we have the whole animal under our control” (James 3:3).

Little by little, St. James is talking about the power of the tongue and about the importance of controlling the tongue. Just like you have a bit in the horse's mouth, you control the whole animal.

The importance of mortification of the tongue, watching what we say, controlling what we say.

“Or think of ships:” he says, “no matter how big they are, even if a gale is driving them, they are directed by a tiny rudder wherever the whim of the helmsman decides” (James 3:4).

That tiny rudder determines the direction of the whole ship. In similar ways, he is describing how the tiny rudder of our tongue can direct our life and our whole focus in different ways.

“So the tongue is only a tiny part of the body, but its boasts are great. Think how a small flame can set fire to a huge forest” (James 3:5).

He is describing also the dangers of the tongue, the damage it can do, the big things it can give rise to. It is just “a tiny part of the body, but its boasts are great.”

“The tongue is a flame too,” he says. “Among all the parts of the body, the tongue is a whole wicked world: it infects the whole body; catching fire itself from hell, it sets fire to the whole wheel of creation” (James 3:6).

Now he begins to talk about hell in relation to the tongue.

We can really put down people with our tongue. We can kill lives; we can kill initiative. We can discredit people, their good name, their reputation.

We can hurt people very deeply with hurts that last forever. The words that we say might end very quickly, but the hurt may be there for eternity.

“Wild animals and birds, reptiles and fish of every kind can all be tamed, and have been tamed, by humans; but nobody can tame the tongue—it is a pest that will not keep still, full of deadly poison” (James 3:7-8).

St. James doesn't spare his words about the dangers of the tongue. We can draw our attention to that aspect of charity.

God is love (1 John 4:8, 16). He wants us to be full of love—love in our hearts, love in our minds—so that our words are words of love. Words that lift people up.

What a wonderful thing if every time words that come out of our mouth are words that inspire, that encourage, that affirm; and anyone who comes close to us knows that they are going to receive some sort of words of affirmation, positive thinking, positive influence that lifts them up.

The opposite is also true. Our words could be words all the time that hurt people, that damage, that bring people down.

A few kind words don't cost anything.

Venerable Fulton Sheen talks about how one time he was having breakfast in a Paris hotel. The waitress came to take his order and he ordered an American breakfast: bacon and egg, tea and toast, some juice, some coffee, “and a few kind words,” he said to her.

She went away and she brought the American breakfast occasionally, bacon and egg, tea and toast, some juice, et cetera, coffee.

He said, "What about my few kind words?” She said, “The egg is cold.”

A few kind words don't cost anything. And yet with those few kind words, you can lift people up, you can give a tone to the whole of their day.

You can help them. You can reflect God who is love that we carry inside us.

He says, “We use it to bless the Lord and Father, but we also use it to curse people who are made in God's image” (James 3:9).

We say words in the Mass: “Glory to God in the highest” (Gloria, Luke 2:14). We use our words to give praise and adoration to God, but we can also use it to bring people down. Same words come out of the same mouth.

“My children, this must be wrong—does any water supply give a flow of fresh water and salt water out of the same pipe? Can a fig tree yield olives…or a vine yield figs? No more can sea water yield fresh water” (James 3:10-12).

The tongue can be used in different ways.

There was a king who threw a banquet for some of the population of his kingdom and told the main cook, “Look, people coming today are not that important, so just make a meal that's sort of ordinary, nothing too special.”

They were all in this big banquet hall and the moment came for the main meal to be served. The people brought in the main meal, and it was tongue, the main meat of the main meal.

Then a few weeks later he was having another banquet, and this time it was for the most important people in the kingdom. He told the main cook, “Prepare something special.”

All the people were gathered in the banquet hall and the moment came to serve the main dish, and it was tongue.

The king went to the main cook afterwards and said, “What's this all about? I ask you to prepare something not too special and you prepare tongue. And then I ask you to prepare something special and you prepare tongue.”

The main cook said, “Ah, but you see, Your Majesty, the tongue can be used in different ways. The tongue can be used to lift people up or the tongue can be used to bring people down. It’s got many different aspects.”

“Anyone who is wise and understanding among you,” says St. James, “should from a good life give evidence of deeds done in the gentleness of wisdom. But if at heart you have the bitterness of jealousy or selfish ambition, do not be boastful or hide the truth with lies” (James 3:13-14).

“Out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks" (Luke 6:45).

From our words or words people say, you know something about them. You know what's going on in their heart, in their mind, in their soul.

Our Lord has told us that we have to get all the bad things out of our heart. Great reason for regular Confession.

Get out all the garbage, all the bitterness, all the jealousy, all the envy, all the egoism, so that God can fill our hearts full of His love with the sweet fragrance that comes therefrom.

“Wherever there are jealousy and ambition, there are also disharmony and wickedness of every kind; whereas the wisdom that comes down from above is essentially something pure; it is also peaceable, kindly and considerate; it is full of mercy and shows itself by doing good; nor is there any trace of partiality or hypocrisy in it. The peace sown by peacemakers brings a harvest of justice” (James 3:16-18).

A lot of the peace that God wants us to sow can be sown with our tongue. Words of peace, words that calm people down.

Father Albert liked to say how the United Nations brings peacekeepers, but we're not peacekeepers; we're peacemakers. “Blessed are the peacemakers” (Matt. 5:9).

Lord, help words of peace to come out of me every day—words that people realize there's something deeper behind those words.

The Book of Proverbs says, “The tongue of the wise makes knowledge welcome, the mouth of a fool spews folly" (Prov. 15:2).

“A guard on the mouth makes life secure, whoever talks too much is lost” (Prov. 13:3).

In the formation that we give to family makers and home makers who build up the domestic Church and future vocations, we also have to try and teach them that words in the domestic Church are also words that encourage, that affirm, that build up, that see the good things. so that in the domestic Church, we're not just speaking complaints or blame or acid, but positive things.

St. Paul says, “So from now on, there must be no more lies. Speak the truth to one another, since we are all parts of one another” (Eph. 4:25).

We have to try to declare war on lies, against the Eighth Commandment, part of our hatred for venial sin that includes a hatred of lies.

We ask Our Lord as we approach Holy Week: Lord, help me to make a resolution in my life: No more lies, never any untrue word pass through my lips. Seal my lips rather than allowing me to speak any untruth.

In all circumstances, even if the roof was going to fall down on top of me, my love of truth, my desire to live by the truth, leads me on all occasions to speak the truth. Otherwise, there is some duplicity there inside me, some lack of unity of life, something that's not right.

“Remember this…” says St. James, “Everyone should be quick to listen but slow to speak and slow to human anger” (James 1:19).

We could examine our conscience and see, ‘Am I slow to speak? Or am I quick?’

Don Javier liked to tell that story of Cardinal Ratzinger visiting Pamplona, that somebody asked his opinion on something, and he said, "I have to think about it a little bit. I've never really thought about it.”

He was one of the most intelligent men in the Church, who had read so many things, so much wisdom, so much knowledge. But he's slow to speak his opinion.

‘I need to learn more about it. I need to read about it.’ He'd kick for touch. Very prudent.

Don Javier said if that was anybody else, we might immediately offer our opinion: “Well, actually I think this or I think that” or make ourselves very important with our ideas.

But how prudent and just it is to say, ‘I need to think about it a bit more’ before we express an opinion.

“No foul word,” say St. Paul, “should ever cross your lips; let your words be for the improvement of others, as occasion offers, and do good to your listeners” (Eph. 4:29).

There was a story told many years ago of a messenger boy who went to the house of the bishop of a place called Galway in the west of Ireland, to deliver the meat.

When he knocked on the door, the bishop happened to be the one that answered the door.

The messenger boy said, “Here's the meat,” and turned around to walk off.

The bishop said, “Just a moment, young man. That's no way to deliver the meat. I will show you how to deliver the meat. So I will be the messenger boy, and you be the bishop.”

They closed the door, the bishop knocked on the door, the kid opens the door, and the bishop said, “Good morning, my lord bishop. Here is the meat for today's meals.”

And the kid said, “Oh, thank you, young man. Here's 50 shillings for your trouble.” The kid was very quick off the mark.

All our words should be words that encourage for the improvement of others.

When Our Lord was talking to the Pharisees, He didn't mince His words. He spoke strong words to them. “You brood of vipers” (Matt. 12:34).

“You whitewashed walls!” (Acts 23:3)—because their words were full of duplicity. They were empty.

They were one thing on the inside, and they were something else on the outside. Total lack of transparency, and honesty, and integrity.

“How can your speech be good,” He says, “when you are evil? For words flow out of what fills the heart” (Matt. 12:34).

At times, Our Lord talks very strongly. But He didn't call any of them what He called Peter: “Get behind me, Satan!” (Matt. 16:23) when Peter tried to dissuade Him from the Cross, the very thing that He had come to achieve.

Satan. He could have called the Pharisees “Satan”, but He didn't. He reserved that compliment for Peter.

St. Paul says, "Always talk pleasantly and with a flavor of wit but be sensitive to the kind of answer each one requires” (Col. 4:6).

Who am I speaking to? How can they understand? How can they get the message? What's the best way of transmitting this particular idea?

We might use different words for different people. Or if a person is very young, we won't use big words that they don't understand.

That use of this gift of speech demands that we be clever. The gift of speech is something that God has given to us: a talent, an ability—not a talent and ability He's given to everybody, so we shouldn't use it in a bad way.

We should always try to speak well of others; see their talents, their abilities. Affirm them by telling them that they're good at this or good at that, or ‘that was very well done.’

People get enough flack. They need to be encouraged with nice words.

By making reference to the behavior of local children, Our Lord responds to those who are twisting the meaning of His teaching: “They are like children sitting in the marketplace and calling to one another, ‘We piped to you, and you did not dance; we wailed, and you did not weep’” (Luke 7:32).

He then goes on to talk about how St. John the Baptist was treated.

“He has come eating no bread and drinking no wine, but you say, ‘He has a demon.’ The Son of man has come eating and drinking, and you say, ‘Behold, a glutton and a drunkard, a friend of tax collectors and sinners’” (Luke 7:33-34).

All the time, evil people are twisting the words of Our Lord, which were words of life.

“Your words, Lord, are spirit, and they are life” (cf. John 6:63). The words of Christ are very important. We stand for the Gospel.

In these coming week of Holy Week, we are going to go through the richness of the Passion, the richness of the words of Christ on the way to Calvary that leave their mark.

John, with his words, prepared the way for the Lord through his life of penance. Christ, perfect God and perfect man, is the realization of the Promise.

John Chrysostom says, “Through both roads, one reaches the kingdom of heaven” (St. John Chrysostom, Homilies on St. Matthew’s Gospel).

Our words also have the capacity to be like arrows.

When we want to send a message to somebody, we could fire a little arrow that is sort of silver-tipped or has a nuclear warhead, seeks out its victim, goes down the other end of the table and explodes on contact, reaches the heart of this person and reaches the target.

We are very easily prone to vengeance, getting our pound of flesh, saying something that will hurt or that will leave a message.

Lord, don't let my words be like that. Let my words be open to God.

“As he was drawing near, at the descent of the Mount of Olives, the whole multitude of the disciples began to rejoice and to praise God with a loud voice for all the mighty works that they had seen, saying, ‘Blessed is the King who comes in the name of the Lord! Peace in heaven and glory in the highest!’”

When some of the Pharisees asked Jesus to silence His disciples for the apparent blasphemy they were saying, Our Lord said, ‘If these were silent, the very stones would cry out’” (Luke 19:37-40).

Our Lord encourages certain words. The gift of speech comes from the hand of God. We have to use it to sing His praises, to speak well of others and His creation.

Lord, help me never to use it to do harm.

St. Josemaría says, “Acquire the habit of speaking about everyone and about everything they do in a friendly manner, especially when you are speaking of those who labor in God's service” (Josemaría Escrivá, Furrow, Point 902).

One of the things St. Josemaría mentions very clearly is if you can't say anything good about somebody, then don't say anything (cf. J. Escrivá, The Way, Point 443). Keep your big mouth shut.

That also includes any supernatural family in the Church. We don't speak badly of other people. We recognize the good things that they are doing.

“Whenever that is not possible,” he said, “keep quiet. Sharp or irritated comment as well may border on gossip or slander” (Ibid.).

A man told me once in another country how he was a retired journalist and he used to give seminars to government employees on communication, because sometimes people might not have such good English, or their cultural background might lead them to be rather strong with their language.

In government departments, emails could be flying around the place that were very incendiary.

His role was to give seminars on communication to government employees to get them to tone down their language, or to speak nicely in writing, or to put better English.

It wasn't given great importance, he said, in government departments. People weren't all too enthusiastic about this.

At the end of the financial year, when managers wanted to exhaust their budgets, they would send more people along to the seminars to exhaust the budget that they have so that they would still get the same budget the next year.

Towards the end of the financial year, numbers would increase. People would come to his seminars who really didn't want to be there. Normally he might have five or six or ten people, and now he might have fifteen or twenty.

He told the story of one lady who came along who was quite a social problem. She was very easy with her words. She was disturbing everybody.

She obviously didn't want to be there. She was telling people: “You're like that because you're stupid,” or words like that and disturbing everybody.

He was getting very irate. He could see that there was going to come a moment here when ‘I'm going to have to ask this lady to go back to her office and leave me in peace.’

He said, “I began to invoke the Holy Spirit. I said, ‘Lord, when that moment comes, help me to say the words that I need to say because, after all, this is a seminar on communication.

“‘Help me to communicate well, to say the words to this lady, ‘Look, Madam, could you kindly go back to your office. You walk away in peace. You leave me in peace. We create a win-win situation.’”

He was invoking the Holy Spirit that he might say it nicely, and that this would all be smooth, and it would still go well.

He was talking on for a few moments, and he happened to mention the head of a certain government department, not by name, and described this person, this department.

Suddenly this lady pipes up with the name and said, “Mr. So-and-so.”

He said, “Yes, Mr. So-and-so. He's a very good professional person. He's an excellent man of virtue. He's a real leader in this government. He's a great asset to this country.”

The lady says, "My husband,” with great pride.

Then he says, ‘Oh my goodness. This terrible woman is the wife of that good friend.’

He began to realize: ‘Oh, wow, what I could have said.’ He said, ‘Thank you, Holy Spirit. Thank you, Holy Spirit.’

“You know, I might have told her to go back to her office and leave me in peace and we have a win-win situation. And she would have gone home to her husband at night and said, ‘We had a terrible seminar with that terrible man.’ And I would have lost a good friend.”

He said to me, "You know, sometimes we don't realize the great good that comes from keeping our big mouth shut.”

He said, "A little bit after that, it was coming to the end of the financial year and that man sent me far more people than he would normally send me.

“I get paid by the number of people that come. That was a big financial bonus for me. Coming into Christmas and Chinese New Year, I had a big financial boom that I didn't have in other years.”

He said, "Also, you know, sometimes we don't realize the great lucrative value of keeping our big mouth shut.” That was a very interesting lesson.

We can ask Our Lord to help us to be careful with our words. The gift of speech is something very special.

Our Lord had a lot of friendly conversation with the apostles, with the disciples. His words were used to console people.

“Take up your pallet and walk” (John 5:8). He said those words of healing to many others.

“Were not ten made clean?” (Luke 17:17).

“Go and call your husband” (John 4:16), He said to the woman at the well.

His words were used to strengthen and console other people. He enjoyed the company of people. He made conversation the vehicle of His apostolate. He asked people questions, drew them out.

“Who do people say that I am?” (Mark 8:27). He asked leading questions.

He spoke with the apostles as He walked along the road. He strolled under the arches of Solomon's temple.

He spoke in people's houses: “Martha, Martha, you are anxious and troubled about many things” (Luke 10:41).

He never refused to speak to anyone. We have no evidence of Our Lord refusing, except with Pilate on one occasion, but later on He also spoke a little bit.

Our Lord opens His arms to everyone. He has words of comfort for all who seek Him with a sincere heart. We can ask Our Lord to imitate Him in this way.

We might need to overcome a certain tendency to say things without due consideration. It is an opportunity to do battle with our egoism, the battle that yields immediate benefits to other people.

Our speech should be at the service of the good—to console those who suffer; to teach those who are ignorant; to correct in a courteous manner those who are in the wrong; to strengthen those who are weak.

Scripture reminds us that "the tongue of the wise is health” (Prov. 12:18).

We use our words to show the right path to those who may have strayed from the truth. We direct our conversation to the good of others. We don't speak badly of anyone.

We savor this gift, this precious talent that God has bestowed on each one of us, “a most beautiful gift for the expression of deep thoughts of love and friendship towards God and towards His creatures” (J. Escrivá, Friends of God, Point 298).

We don't use the gift in a frivolous or inconsiderate way. We remember the words of St. James: “the tongue is a fire.” It can “set fire to a forest,” it can be “the very world of iniquity” (James 3:5-6).

You could consider the damage it can do and that can come from useless arguments or sarcasm or calumny or a sharp word here and there. Many friendships have been ruined by tongues out of control.

Jesus took care of what He said to other people. “I tell you, on the day of judgment,” He says, “men will render an account for every careless word they utter” (Matt. 12:36).

Idle words spring from an impoverished spirit. Unwillingness to control our speech can be a symptom of spiritual lukewarmness.

“The good man out of his good treasure brings forth good things. The evil man out of his evil treasure brings forth evil” (Matt. 12:35).

Our Lord will judge us on how we have used His gifts.

We are told in The Way, “After seeing how many people waste their lives (without a break: gossip, gossip, gossip—and with all the consequences), I can better appreciate how necessary and lovable silence is. And I can well understand, Lord, why you will make us account for every idle word” (J. Escrivá, The Way, Point 447).

The road from sarcasm to calumny is all too short. It's difficult to control one's tongue if one is not trying to live in the presence of God.

The Christian ought never to be found saying anything bad about anybody. On the contrary, the Christian should act like Christ, who “went about doing good” (Acts 10:38).

Notice how St. Josemaría mentions silence, how lovable silence is. As we move towards Holy Week, one phrase of the Passion can speak very loudly to us: Jesus autem tacebat–“Christ kept silent” (Mark 14:61).

Of all the examples that Our Lord gives us on His way to Calvary, one of those examples specifically is the example of silence. We need to be more silent, to seek out silence, to control the tongue.

When we speak, to speak with more wisdom, and maybe, to thank God for the periods of silence that are inculcated in our plan of life: the night-time period, the afternoon period, the periods of prayer.

Our Lord often withdrew into silence in the course of His public life.

As we follow Him along that pathway to Calvary and that of Our Lady, who is silent beside the Cross, we could ask them for that gift, to grow in the control of our tongue.

I thank you, my God, for the good resolutions, affections, and inspirations that you have communicated to me during this meditation. I ask your help to put them into practice. My Immaculate Mother, Saint Joseph, my father and lord, my guardian angel, intercede for me.

In the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit. Amen.

JM